Greetings lovely readers! I hope you had a great weekend and are ready to jump right in to the self-improvement week with another Tactic Tuesday.
This week I want to talk about the anatomy of the date–specifically, the first date.
The first date is a semi-precarious situation. You know you like each other enough to figure out a way to be in the same time and place simultaneously, but that’s about it. Say or do the wrong thing or fail to control the right variable and things can go downhill rather quickly.
But that’s why you’ve got your boy Matty D.
A good first date has 4 key factors:
- Low pressure/no context
- Multiple locations
- An element of spontaneity
- Escalation of some kind
Now let’s break these down, one by one:
Factor 1: Low Pressure/No Context
As I mentioned in my post on flaking, high pressure situations make it less likely a woman will show up (which is, incidentally, another key factor to a good first date). High pressure can be created by a lot of things, not the least of which is context.
I’ve covered context in another post, so I won’t go too much in detail here. The basic idea is this: when you introduce certain stereotypical elements to a date (e.g., going to dinner and a movie) it creates a heavy “first date” context, and puts pressure on the woman. Ideally, you want a chance to get to know one another without a whole lot of pressure on either side. Hence, avoid cliches–no flowers, no fancy restaurants, no movies, etc.
One way to avoid the pitfalls of context and the “traditional date” is element number two…
Visit Multiple Locations
Not only are dates that involve multiple locations fun, but they also introduce less pressure (multiple activities = multiple opportunities to enjoy yourself) and they create a greater feeling of comfort than dates with just one or two locations.
To illustrate the added comfort multiple locations provides, consider this example: coworkers often work together for as much as 40 hours a week. Yet, even if they like each other, they do not always become lasting friends once the forced interaction of work ends.
This happens because all the you spend together takes place in the same setting. Your brain has a funny tendency to lump experiences in together based on backdrop as much as content, so when you look back on a group of experiences, those with diverse location will stand out more than those in the same location.
An Element of Spontaneity
Now, I’m not suggesting that you actually be spontaneous. That’s hard. What if your on-the-spot idea sucks? What if the restaurant you decide to drive to closed down? No, true spontaneity is hard. And it is at odds with rule #3: Always Stack the Deck in Your Favor.
Yet cultivating a vibe of spontaneity can help.
The point of doing things “spontaneously” is not to appear spontaneous (some women like spontaneous guys, some women don’t, but it’s hardly a deal-breaker or even a reliable attractive mechanism). The point is to reduce the pressure on you (and your date).
By way of a for example, planning to get coffee, go book shopping, and get lunch may seem like a good idea, but it’s a pretty hefty time commitment on both sides. Far better is to take one of those ideas (preferably one of the simpler ones) and expand on it as you feel compelled.
For instance, plan to meet for coffee, but pick a coffee shop near a bookstore and some restaurants. Then, if things are going well, mention that you want to look for a certain book. If things go better still, mention how hungry you are and suggest lunch (or dinner).
(Note: the hands-down best time to schedule a date is 11:00am or 4:00pm; by the time you finish whatever innocuous activity you set out to do, if things are going well you can say: “I’m hungry–have you had lunch/dinner yet?” The great news? You know she hasn’t–you’ve been with her since well before any reasonable person eats lunch or dinner well. This doesn’t mean she absolutely won’t decline. It just means that if she does you can be damn sure it’s because she doesn’t like you.)
4. Escalation of Some Kind
I’m not saying you need to have sex on the first date. I’m not saying you have to kiss. I’m not even saying you have to change your facebook status to “it’s complicated,” let alone “in a relationship”! I’m just saying that by the end of your date, if it was successful, there should be a clear understanding on both sides that you’re further along than you were before. You like each other more. You’re excited to see each other again.
If this hasn’t happened, take heart: you may have made a good friend–and who doesn’t like friends? But you haven’t begun to forge a romantic connection and you should keep yourself from getting too attached or missing other opportunities.
Now stop reading this blog and go on a date!
…But do come back when you’re done, of course.
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